My fear is always with me.
My hands were shaking. My heart was racing. I felt like I was going to die.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
I see it like it was yesterday.
I feel it like it was yesterday.
But it wasn’t yesterday.
It was 3 years ago. The last time I had a panic attack.
The last time I felt like I was going to die.
The last time the fear was so strong it started to devour me.
It took over.
I couldn’t make it stop.
We were on the plane. Bobby was just months old at the time. Still breast feeding.
I was exhausted.
I was terrified.
I was trapped.
I snapped.
I had to get off the plane.
I remember breathing. Telling myself it was going to be ok. Telling myself it wasn’t real.
But it was.
The fear had taken over. My mind. My body. My emotions. My decisions.
The fear told me I was trapped.
That I was going to die.
And I had to get back on the plane.
I had to fly home.
I had to feed my baby.
But how.
How could I even move.
I was paralyzed.
Nothing. Was. Working.
I begged God to help me. Help me get back on the plane. Help me walk through the fear. Help me be ok.
And I did.
With all the terror in my body.
I walked back on the plane. I fed my baby. I did my best to breathe.
The panic stayed. I sat with the fear.
For hours.
But it didn’t kill me.
And it won’t kill you.
Eventually.
The fear will pass.
Eventually.
You will be able to breathe.
Eventually.
You’ll come out on the other side.
People say you can’t have faith and fear at the same time.
But the truth is.
Fear is always there. Telling you what might go wrong. Telling you your thing won’t work. Telling you no one will buy. Telling you the money won’t come.
Telling you all the lies.
It’s always there. Sitting beside you. Trying to protect you. Trying to keep you safe.
But you get to decide.
Who’s driving the car. Who’s running the show. Who’s in charge.
You. Your faith. You knowing. Your trust.
Or.
That voice inside of you. That says you’re going to die.
I learned something that day.
I learned that I could feel all the way into the fear. That it could completely take over.
And that I was going to be ok.
Even there. Heart racing. Fear screaming. Terrified.
That I could feel it. And still walk. Still get back on the plane. Still take the next step.
And my life changed.
My fear is always with me.
Telling me her stories. Reminding me what could go wrong. All the worst case scenarios.
But today.
She doesn’t get to make my decisions. She doesn’t get to run my life. She doesn’t get to drive the car.
The fear will come. It may even devour you.
But I promise.
It will pass.
You can move.
You can trust.
You can live.
And you will come out on the other side. You will succeed. You will be ok.
I see you. I believe in you. I love you so damn much.
Xo!
Mindy
Mindy
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